The Restaurant of Renjitsu

The time is now 10:43 a.m. and I am hungover. While I drank my first cup of coffee, I made myself a breakfast sandwich. I'll try to write about it as if it were on a menu:
Smoky Dill Egg-Sandwich
Two farm-fresh eggs scrambled with dill, maitake mushrooms, scallions, and smoky sharp cheddar. Topped with turkey bacon and sliced tomato and sandwiched by honey wheat-berry bread. Yum.
I forgot to salt and pepper, but it's still good.

Pearl Market again today and I don't want to go. This 6 days/week thing is getting to me. I suppose I only say this because yesterday was payday and I'm not in any immediate need for cash. Stupid sexy Flanders.

Ben and I haven't seen much of each other lately because my schedule is so crazy, but when we do it's all about the demise of our relationship. I miss him, though. Perhaps one of the worst parts of this will be that I have to sleep alone. Sometimes I love being able to spread out, but there's nothing like crawling into bed and wrapping my arms around a warm, good-smelling man. I don't really think that spooning is an option with friends or strangers. That gets weird.

This morning, while he was up and about making coffee, I put my head on his pillow and my arms on his side pretending he was there. I guess that this pathetic display is a way of saying goodbye, of preparing myself for the true absence. Every time I snuggle with the kittens or look into their eyes, I know that that's one more time closer to never again.

Ashley tells me that when your partner is mean to you, you're supposed to work through it and figure things out. How do you know how long to "work through it"? So we gave each other a second chance. Am I being hasty by giving up at the first fight that turns into name-calling? I think you have to want to work through the bad times and believe that you and your partner will change for the better. Sometimes I do believe this and get all ready to hang on, love him no matter what, try really hard to be a better person, but then he fights dirty and I just can't forget all the things that he has said. I know that being unforgiving is a bad habit, but I worry that if I stick around and try not to let the mean words bother me, I will end up a very very angry person in a few years.

I'm just so tired. I have dark circles under my eyes and my liver is screaming at me.

This tuesday is Ben's birthday and he's taking off this weekend to go camping. It freaks me out that he will be alone, but I've got to have faith that he won't get hurt or lost.

Damn, those kittens are drinking the water from the African Violets. It has fertilizer in it. I hope it doesn't hurt them.

I need to put my nasty body in the shower.

Two things:
I have recently gotten into the darkroom again.. I feel myself being calmed the second I enter and I realized that beside my stints in the theatre and with dancing, I have never found an activity that gives me so much confidence and pride.

These darkrooms have weird cylindrical spinning doors that keep out the light. They always remind me of the secret-room-spinning-fireplace-thingies from mysteries. The amber light and delicious scent of fixer instantly serve to remind me of what I love. I may not be a great photographer and printer, but I am good. And I love it.

My ex-boyfriend was a recurring character on Angel. I knew that he'd had a part on an episode of Buffy, but I had no idea that he and Joss were so tight. He even has a fairly large IMDB profile. I descend into a bout of self-centeredness here but follow my thinking for a moment: how weird is it that Jonathan and I date. He moves back to NY where the last time I heard from him he was calling from the World Trade Center [don't freak, it was pre September 11, 2001], then I see him on my most favorite show in the world. (I knew he was an actor, but I didn't think he'd end up in L.A.) Jonathan then goes on to work on Angel and more recently went to ComiCon to promote Joss Whedon's new movie "Serenity." Which I will see, but I'm sure I'll get shit for being so narcissistic. Honestly though, I woulda watched Firefly even if Joss didn't give the ship my name. Wheeeee.

Okay, three things.

Batman Begins opened on Wednesday! Maybe someday I'll have time to see it.


{ps if anyone is annoyed by my redundant behaviour, i apologize and then welcome you to renjitsu.}